Last Christmas (Dir Paul Feig, 1h 43m)

In the winter of 1984, the British pop duo Wham!, already a colossal success on both sides of the Atlantic, turned their attentions to that greatest of British chart crowns, the Christmas No 1. Though the resultant song, Last Christmas, would be held off that coveted spot by charity single Band-Aid's Do They Know Its Christmas, it has become a classic, and one of the most beloved songs around Christmas. Which is more than can be said about Last Christmas, the film, a messy collection of bad romantic comedy, and half-assed subplots, decent actors on practical autopilot, with Wham, and frontman, George Michael's songs bolted on. What results is a film that does neither the late Michael's music, nor the entire concept of Christmas movies, any justice

Revolving around the character of Kate, from her childhood in the former Yugoslavia, to her life slowly falling apart in the aftermath of an undisclosed illness, from bedhopping to have somewhere to stay, to her complex relationship with her domineering mother, and overachieving sister, and her equally chaotic relationship with her boss. All of this begins to change when the mysterious Tom appears in her life, striking up a friendship with her, and begins to slowly turn her life around, and improve her life, helping her to re-develop her relationship with her boss, her parents, and even the friends she has alienated. And, of course, there are songs by George Michael, some sung, some merely soundtracking.

Kate, in blunt terms is unlikable, for a good two thirds of the film-I'm a great fan of Emelia Clark, but she is utterly phoning in this performance-it's a messy performance that floats between elements of every rom-com protagonist, and  a female version It's a Wonderful Life's George Bailey, an ill woman that continues to try and find meaning after her illness in sex, and drink, and trying to find her ability to perform again. The problem is that all of this is so hamfisted, so badly done in a lot of scenes that it's actually painful-Kate is unlikeable, spoilt, annoying, and even after her Scrooge-esque turn to being a better person, is practically unlikeable, cloying, and annoying.

Around her, arguably, the casting is even worse, with the exception of Tom (Henry Goulding). Goulding, bless his soul, for all the obviousness of what he actually is-hell, this film, with its basis on essentially two lines of the titular song, pretty much spoils his eventual fate from the beginning, is at least trying, and comes off as an well-rounded, sympathetic and surprisingly warm foil for the snarky, hedonistic and unlikeable Kate. Around them, however, everyone is not so much phoning it in as doing performances a school nativity could best, from Michelle Yeoh's "Santa", a domineering Christmas obsessive who basically seems to be there to account for the Christmas trimmings, a good deed for Kate to do and some vaguely, charmingly offensive Chinese stereotypes, to Kate's vaguely Eastern European parents, including a truly bizarre, and genuinely awful performance by co-writer Emma Thompson.

Much like the film it's trying to ape, that of Richard Curtis's sickeningly, cloyingly cheery Love Actually, every character is there to basically reunite with our inept, irritating protagonist in the quirkiest, most charming way possible. A subplot about Brexit is there for Kate to connect back to her roots in Yugoslavia, via cardboard cutout racist, a subplot with the homeless shelter is shoved in because we have to have a point for Kate to sing "Last Christmas" itself at, and for a couple of cheap gags, as our cheeringly cheerful protagonist busks without interference or hassle whilst the homeless gape on, in awe of her rom-com life.

Everything in Kate's world, is after all, quirky, and chintzy and aside from the ending a slightly drunk hen-party could see coming, utterly stress-free. Any wrongs, including outing her lesbian sister, and basically ruining the lives of every single person she has ever known as a friend, are solved, as typical, with a quick montage, her loose ends are tied up neater than a Christmas present, and she starts the rest of her life with hope and a spring in her step. And frankly, I wish the entire film had been cut down to the length of a couple of music videos and released quietly onto a streaming platform-there have been, are, and will be hallmark made-for-tv films with a budget a fraction of this with more cinematic pathos and payoff than this. It is a pathetic, laughable mess of a film.

But worst of all, the film is a disservice to the music of George Michael, both as a solo performer and as Wham! with Andrew Ridgeley. The songs that are covered in film are at least decently rendered, but too often the film simply dumps a track out, over sequences where they don't fit or indeed seem jarring. Worst of all, this film...just simply feels like Michael's music has been tacked on as an afterthought once the plot has been added-much like the equally turgid Yesterday, it fails, past a surface gleaning, to understand what this music meant, and who George Michael actually was-strip his music away, and the film is little more than a boring, badly made rip-off of the typical Curtisine rom-com

It is the cinematic equivalent of being trapped at your family's Christmas party whilst being the only one sober. At first it seems fun-you get to see the antics of your family, slightly off the hook, and slightly uninhibited by Christmas cheer. But before long, you're trying to find the door, only to be dragged back by a drunken aunt or uncle back into the cheery throng, and the whole experience becomes Sisyphean, and you long for escape. And over it all, George Michael pines for lost love, and you can't help but wish that this will, indeed, be the Last Christmas you ever have to see this film.

 Rating: Avoid